...

we're in space again. thats awesome. & with all thats been going on, im praying for a safe return.



its good hearing some of your voices and seeing your beautiful faces.

i hate chemistry. general AND organic. this is not the last time you'll see me post that.

Lord knows there's things in my life that ima let go starting tonight ...

windward skies - ten feet

today was weird. ive never went an entire night without sleep ... ever. my body was tired but my mind was not at peace. you know how its easy for people to say "just dont think about all that bad shit"? its not like im sitting there consciously deciding to think of every horrifying event thats happened in life or could possibly happen. that plus worrying about the damage of one night without REM sleep could do to one's health (coz im neurotic like that) ... sometimes you just cant help it. usually, id be able to fall asleep after crying all night has left me exhausted. but it was 6:45 before i knew it. so, fuck trying to fit in 15 minutes. lets see, last time i was asleep was sunday morning at 8. im on my 39th hour and its not that bad. but im sure my metabolic processees need their rest. my stomach keeps making these funny noises. and im starting to swell under my eyes.

so my dad dropped me off to school =) he's been so awesome for putting up with me ... little, stupid things like not getting mad after i refuse to wash my WHiTE car because everytime i wash my car, i get into an accident (lucy in february, and tonya in june). why the hell did i pick out a damn white car anyways? uh ... yeah ... its been like a MONTH ... i dont care. im really proud of how my relationship with my dad has grown through this. sometimes i do get sad though knowing that it took this kind of an issue to get past, well, the past and that if things carried on the way they were - without this incident - my family would probably have fallen apart. but thats the beauty of family ... theyre strongest when you least expect it and stronger than you ever thought possible.

this weekend was fun. im still semi-recovering. we threw a bbq for my dad's 43rd birfday. a lot of people came, had fun, had drinks, a gooooooood time. the stereo was outside and loud and when it got cooler, people were dancing on my dad's new patio. i think Usher's Yeah was just finishing off (its a party, of course) when joy makes this mad dash to change the song ... haha ... i just hear N.E.R.D. go off FUCKiNG POSERS! ... haha ... some of us were playing Catch Phrase. and till now, im upset about some of he dumb clues i gave out ... hahaha ... who does that?! what a nerd huh? haha ... ives, i am so looking for the electronic version!! we need to get together soon!!!!!!!!!!

so afterwards, we were reminsicing to that one party we had back in guam for my dad's official over-the-hill 40th bday-bash. he had a spongebob cake! haha ... that party was heeeeeellllllllllaaaaa fun with everyone over. i even have the pics of jenna and sheila with chocolate teeth somewhere around here. that shit was funny. rein started a watermelon eating contest that night and from what i recall, i won every single round!!!!! hahahaha ... just kidding ... im going to watch some of those old videos this weekend.

speaking of guamie guam ...

i bumped into a girl i used to know. she looks really good since what already feels like AGES ago. i look at her and admire how she's grown into herself ... like before, she was always different, no matter how much she tried to fit in. and now, she's just herself, embracing her own personality, not giving a shit about all that fitting in. im really proud of her because she had to put up with more drama in highschool than most people should ... MEAN GiRLS come to mind ... i myself was prolly just as bad by not doing anything about it. and looking back, she probably is the one who's best off years later ... not just another social casualty ... she knows who she is and in a way, i truely envy that. i am genuinely happy for her. she's never looked happier. she's found herself ... my never-ending endeavor.

and last but not least:
HAPPY (belated) LiBERTATiON DAY GUAM!
for some reason, i remembered it being closer towards early august. maaaaaaaan. i miss that parade. we'd always debate on whether we should check it out down in agana. we'd drive halfway there then go back home and watch it on tv coz there was no parking and it would always rain! i miss me some five-dollah-fiesta-plate!!!!!!
red rice, bbq chicken & finadeeeeeeeeene, potatoe salad, and kelaguen with extra lemon ... droooooool ... MY ULTiMATE!!!!!!

i found out that there is a big guamanian community in titusville, florida (closer to orlando, SPACE COAST!). they had a little Guam Liberation Day thing there ... ive already told my parents ... we are sooOOOoOOooOo there next year!!!!!!!!! great. now i cant stop thinking about food. another sleepless night?!

right now, i just wanna sit on the beach under the beautiful guam night sky, laughing, drinking, singing ... i love you like a mango! ... with the rest of my sexy island momma's and the boys with their guitars (and no shirts! heheh), us in our zories, and my lovely fiesta plate to top it all off! no place like home, my homies. sounds good yeah? GOSH, i MiSS YOU DOODOOHEADS.

destiny's child - cater 2 u

yes. im sitting here procrastinating! ive been working on how to eloquently put a paragaph together for an introduction to my lab report all damn day. that shits gay.

and im sitting here all nervous coz i feel joy's floor shaking. and her room is on top of the garage. and when her floor shakes, it means the ceiling fan is on in the garage. and my car is in the garage. and the ceiling fan is loose. which means that when its on, the whole thing becomes more loose. which means it can come flying off the ceiling any time soon. and land on my car. as if i had any more bad luck with cars. so im just gonna go turn it off.

its pretty quiet in the house right now. the last sentence i heard was from joy downstairs: "mom, i have forty-dollars in ones." hahaha ...

during the day, my mom works at Fidelity Federal Bank & Trust. we were eating out one night and she started cracking up when our waiter (our very handsome waiter) left after taking our order. and when we asked what she was laughing about, she was like: i know that guy! he comes to bank and always deposits a lot of money in dollar bills. everyone at the bank thinks he's a stripper!

yay! i have plans with michelle!! we finally made plans today!!! yaaaaaaaaaay! its only sunday and i am so excited! =)

and maaan. im really super missing ryan right now. i didnt think it would be this bad ... talk about withdrawal. i need to vent out all the weird stuff i think about to him. its just sitting here in my system. & i feel weird at the end of the day, going to sleep without hearing his voice. blah. soon, buddy. soon.

i love you and miss you all.

i CANT WAiT FOR TiM BURTON'S THE CORPSE BRiDE THiS SEPTEMBER!!!

the verve - bittersweet symphony (edited post)

ive made it a point to keep up with chem after a disappointing anatomy semester. i mean, i thought it would be nice to not load up this time and do a one-class-semester. i have no idea why i went against my "best under pressure/stress" ways though ... it only makes me lazier knowing that i only have to be on campus three days a week. but everything going wrong this week is pretty damn frustrating ... no computer ... no internet ... the stupid clock not working and being an hour late for class ... and it doesnt help that everything is a million time faster during the short term. im probably going to have to get tutored on this shit ... gay gay gay.

but a lot of heavier things have been on my mind.

war ...

music ...

religion/faith ...

closure ...

everytime i feel like ive conquered my fear, i get scared all over again. feeling unsure and succombing to anxiety in panic attacks even over something as insignificant as driving joy to work just two minutes down the road, sucks. some days im this close to signing up for a shrink. ive mentioned pieces of this ongoing healing process in pr:etty much all of my previous entries. same old story some days i feel like i will forever be a broken girl ... other days im ok. this rollercoaster is wearing me out.

missing kids ...

poverty ...

politics ...

the future ...

self-worth ...


no matter how much one complains, there are millions more people in the world who have it worse.

i really cant help but get all sentimental during holidays like this. thinking about all the sacrifices that our country's service men and women have and continue to make for us is so GREAT. my dad is even working today with the 5 or 6 ships docking in port everglades. he's organized a big event down in broward for all the sailors. it sucked that we couldnt spend the day with him, but hes doing something bigger than all of us. and ryan is away at Great Lakes getting through the first major step in his career as another service man for our country. i am so proud.

HAPPY JULY 4th EVERYONE!

i miss my boyfriend.

miss you and love you all.